Thursday, December 23, 2010

The Ghost of Christmas Past

"This blessed night may the cadence of Christmas carry glad skyborne hallelujahs to our Father who still fashions grand cathedral windows from the shattered fragments of our yielded lives."   ~ Dorothy  Purdy

On December 19, 1986 I copied this quote and I have always loved it. It seems that I am often a 'shattered fragment' but I don't want to stay in that place; I want to become the cathedral window that reflects God's light on a dark world.

The Wedding countdown continues inexorably downward, the clock is ticking, the finish line is almost here. I hope and pray that it will be a day that honors God and two young adults who have waited on the Lord to bring them to this place.

I know the day is bound to be laden with conflicting emotions, despite that I want it to be a day of joy that is only minimally seasoned with the bitter-sweet that is inevitable later. Carlie will only have one wedding day to remember and it should be a joy-filled memory.

I wish my my mom could be here for this special moment in Carlie's life, but I know that she is in heaven, pain-free, and will be looking down on Carlie and whispering, "Happy Wedding."

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Wow, sometimes there is just no way to downshift fast enough for your life circumstances.School was such a pressure cooker and then mom died, school is over and I am at a loss to know what to do with myself. It isn't as if there aren't a million things to be done and yet somehow, I don't have the heart for any of these things. I am staring down the barrel of Carlie's wedding and moving out of state and I feel as if someone has torn out the place my heart used to be. It never ceases to astound me how the grieving process is messy, painful, and leaves you gasping for oxygen.
I understand intellectually that I need to marshall my emotions and energy  to the tasks that need to be done, I have not yet been able to do this.

Yesterday I was blessed to be able to share a Diet Coke with a dear Christian friend who sat and simply listened to me cry and pour out my heart to her. It is such a gift to give to someone, to listen and never say "It will get better." You are a gift from God Sonja and I love and appreciate you so much!

Meanwhile, today is another day and I have to get on with life and the things that are required of me. It still seems so odd to me that the world keeps turning even as my world seems to have crashed down around me.

So for today, I will plant my feet on the Rock, look upward, and belive that the sun will once again shine on my face,the dark days will recede, and I will find joy in the moment. Mom would have wanted it that way.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Although this isn't the best picture of my mom I chose it because she loved Janzen, and even as she lay in the hospital she asked for him, more than once. She loved that little guy all to pieces, she delighted in him and she was so proud of the outstanding job Andy and Heather are doing with him.

Today is really the first day I have had to process my mom's leaving this earth for her heavenly home. She died during my first week of finals and I just never had a chance to breathe or let myself think about what had occurred on any more than the shallowest level, I had to go to school and I needed to be able to function.

I am thrilled for her to be pain-free and with her Lord and Saviour, not to mention all the loved ones that went before her, however, the pain of her being gone and the enormous hole that is left behind is nearly  incomprehensible.

Mom loved God and people and she made no distinctions as to what kind of people. She loved them all and longed for them to know Jesus.  She lived to serve other people and she was always the first one to jump up when something needed to be done.

What seems strange to me is that the world continues on as if nothing happened. Life continues on for people and yet I feel as if life has stopped moving. It is surreal. I spent most of this past week feeling as if my head were filled with cotton, it was the strangest sensation.

I love you mom, I am thrilled that your faith has become sight, I just wish it didn't hurt so much.